SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I were discussing what my expectitions are and will be in the future. We’re about a year out from dday. One of the things I expect once we have reconciled is sex. I haven’t made any demands for sex. I specifically said that I don’t expect sex any time soon. I know this is a long process and I wouldn’t expect sex for at least another year. I do at some point expect our relationship to become sexual again however. If she doesn’t intend to ever have sex with me ever again that is a problem for me and I don’t think we can have a mutually fulfilling relationship if that is the case. I have not made any demands on frequency or when this would begin to occur. Just for context I was overly sexually demanding on my wife and my hypersexuality and sex addiction was absolutely part of my infidelity. My wife previously felt pushed to have sex with me. I am in IC now and am not sexually acting out now. No porn, masturbation, or sexual activity unless my wife is involved now. Here’s my question, does my eventual expectation of sex constitute a threat in your opinion? The threat implied is that my wife feels that I am threatening divorce. I was a liar and didn’t make my expectations clear before. I need to be sure not to make that mistake ever again and making expectations clear is super important. Thanks.

[This message edited by Regretfulbetrayer at 3:13 AM, Thursday, April 2nd]

I am a WW. I do not see sex as a "threat"....I am not sure I'd use the word "sex" as a descriptor. My impression is that you believe a marriage should have intimacy, and I would agree with that. Do not know the details of your history, but a timetable on when does seem like a threat. One thing I learned is that reconciliation requires healing. My BH and I never really talked about intimacy, it happened frankly when he was ready. I wanted to remain in my marriage, so I waited until he was ready. It takes time.

Amy44 you’re right that intimacy is what I am looking for. I have used sex as a gateway to intimacy. If something happened and my wife could no longer perform the physiological sexual acts that wouldn’t be a problem for me. The inherent intimacy of a loving relationship is what I need and as far as I can tell that’s is likely what she finds my need of to be a threat of divorce. I am not and will not push her into anything. I hope in time there is room in her heart for that intimacy with me. I set no time limit on her healing. I had no right to ask that she heal from such a wound I had no right to give. I would never set parameters on that which I had no right to ask of her. Just the same, that I communicate that need as an eventual expectation is construed as a threat of divorce. To be fair I didn’t communicate it at the time so well as this. My emotional IQ is awful. I have better explained since posting the question. To the best of my knowledge it remains seen as a threat. I broke the intimate connection and to expect one with her in the future is seen as a threat. Am I unreasonable in saying that eventually I will need intimacy and sex? I cannot honestly say that I can live the rest of my life without it. How can I?

[This message edited by Regretfulbetrayer at 5:02 AM, Thursday, April 2nd]

I do not think any relationship can thrive without intimacy; however, I think your timing of the discussion is off. I do not think my wife is in place where we can have a productive discussion about what our long-term intimacy will be and we are six months post DDay. We are trying to both heal and intimacy is just one of many on a long list of issues we are navigating. I firmly believe intimacy will eventually be better than it was before my infidelity because we are getting much better at expressing our needs to each other (very low bar as this was not something we did at all before). I think like any new relationship (and I consider our relationship new as I dropped a nuke on our previous one) I think intimacy is a natural part of building a relationship. It will come with time, but discussing it prematurely is not going to be productive.

I think you mindset is right so maybe reframing the delivery is best. I told my wife I totally understand what my actions have done to our marriage including intimacy and have no timetable on when or if we can recover that, but we will navigate this together like all the other issues we are working on. I think you have the same thinking based on your post minus the end game (ie if we do not eventually get there you do not see a future for the marriage).

I would take out the word expectations. Having hope is maybe softer and truer.

Physical intimacy and emotional safety go hand in hand. It sounds like you understand that your past coercive ways in your sexual relationship did a lot of damage, and then adding the cheating and the porn, so sex has become weaponized over time. It was the avenue of abuse, and so one can understand why she isn’t willing to think about risking going back to tha type of torment.

Saying you have expectations even if they are vaguely off into the future is probably a statement that is counterproductive of what your goals already are.

Is it reasonable to think you both will abstain for the rest of your lives? No, I think that’s a highly unreasonable expectation. But right now her head isn’t moving in the direction of opening up intimacy and this conversation creates pressure which is reminiscent of your coercive demands about sex earlier in the marriage. Threat might be a strong word but considering the history here that pressure very well can feel like a threat to her. Instead it’s better to let her know that you love her, you understand and are sorry for the damage and continue working on yourself. That you are hopeful of building a fully mutually beneficial relationship and will take her happiness and wellbeing as crucial a your own.

Instead of worrying about the future, focus on the present and how you can build emotional safety and bring more emotional intimacy into the relationship. It sounds like you are taking steps in correcting the behaviors but it’s going to take her a long time to trust you and open her softness towards you again.

It may not happen. That’s the risk we all take when we try for reconciliation. What I think made my personal quest successful was learning to focus on my side of the street, becoming the type of partner I wanted to be and knew I was capable of, and doing my best to show him consistency, love and patience no matter where he was in his ow healing and no matter what he was or wasn’t willing to give in return.

You both have to do the work of healing. So of course it would be your hope to have a full on marital relationship again. That’s natural and true. But it’s equally natural she is not even ready to start thinking about what that looks like as her pain and uncertainty is all encompassing. Focus on that. Keep finding more ways to build trust, continuing to show patience and love towards her while you stay committed to working on yourself will be the only way you can prove you really do get it and the two of you aren’t going back to that hellish place.

So in essence I think you are right that staying married would eventually mean navigating intimacy. But putting the word expectation to it, would reasonably sound like a threat to someone who can’t imagine you having a loving sexual relationship while healing from one that created so much damage because it in essence taught her that was what you value most over her needs, wants, safety. It made her feel like that was her value to you—and that’s so devastating because anyone could fill that value it made her feel there was nothing special about her. She felt reduced to being a convenient way you could be serviced.

Think about ways you can show her differently, without love bombing her and creating more pressure. Start with small stuff - give her specific things you love about her. Not all at once of course but quietly over a long period of time. When appropriate also make very specific apologies in the context of situations you encounter together. Take things off her plate as much as possible- chores, errands, parenting duties. Give her time and space whioe consistently showing up and proving she matters.

There are no guarantees you will successfully reconcile. Therefore there are no guarantees your sex life will be rebuilt again. Focus on not getting the cart before the horse.

I can hear you are making progress-just keep doing that. If you do it will give you the best chance of reconciling, and if you truly reconcile she will be willing then to work on the intimacy. Right now that’s too much for her to think about when she is just trying to get through today.