SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone. I have been looking at this forum for months now, and reading a lot of other people's experiences with infidelity. I've wanted to share my story, but wasn't ready to write down details. I have been going to an individual therapist ever since I found out, which has been helpful, but obviously I am still incredibly depressed, angry, embarrassed, confused, and have no idea what I should be doing. However, maybe sharing my story can help me to make sense of what I am experiencing.

My wife and I have been together for over 20 years and married for almost 16 years of them. We have two young kids. I always felt like we had a great marriage despite the normal stresses of family, finances, and work. In the beginning of December, major cracks started to show when my wife called me from her job to give me a heads up that the wife of a co-worker is going to contact me and accuse my wife have having an inappropriate relationship with her husband. She found months of messages they were sending each other to be too personal for co-workers to be saying to each other. My wife defended herself and explained that the other woman was wrong and was completely misreading the friendship between my wife and her husband. I never felt my wife has ever been unfaithful, so I took her word for it but I was confused and suspicious since I was totally blindsided. I spoke with the other guy's wife, I confronted the husband, and my wife and I discussed it a lot for weeks. She apologized profusely saying she got too close with the co-worker and understood it was inappropriate that they shared too much with each other, but there was nothing romantic going on and she is stopping all communication with him. I asked if she has done this with anyone else, and she said "no," but I felt something was off when she answered.

So on Christmas after we got back from a party, she had been drinking a lot and fell asleep. Our conversation earlier had been bothering me, so I decided to go through her personal phone, emails, and work phone that night, something I have never done in our 20 years together, looking for evidence that she might or might not be telling me the truth... After an hour or two, I didn't find anything on her personal phone. But then I started searching her work phone and I ended up coming upon 5-6 emails with someone written fairly recently. I was absolutely floored and sickened by what I was reading.

They were incredibly romantic. Talking about how much they can't stop thinking about each other. How they are unhappy in their marriages and deserve to be together. Trying to be poetic and just overcome with love for each other (my wife is not poetic and has never been a very romantic person). They get more detailed and he mentions that he feels bad about the situation with the co-worker I thought I was investigating. How they can't believe it has been "14 years" together. I had no idea who this person was. The email address was a burner email with no info on them. So I woke her up and confronted her and she admitted she has been in an on-again-off-again relationship that started about 1 year after we got married with a former co-worker of hers. A person I used to be friendly with. A person that was at our wedding 16 years ago with his wife. A person I haven't thought about for years. She insists they never went past making out a few times, which happened 14 years ago, and that it has been an emotional affair. Something I have a hard time believing, and honestly doesn't make much of a difference. She lied to me throughout our whole marriage and was living a double life. She says she doesn't want to be with him, she wants to stay with me, which is not what her emails said.

I couldn't (and still can't) believe what I was hearing. I had no idea this was going on right under my nose, and for so long. Every memory we've made and milestone we've celebrated is now completely tainted. She was cheating on me throughout all of it. The day we closed on our house. The birth of our kids. Advancements in our careers. All of the trips we have gone on. The happiest moments in our lives, and she was messaging, emailing, calling and possibly meeting up with him and saying how much she loves him. Just horrifyingly deceptive and selfish actions from someone I had blind trust in.

So here I am now, not knowing what to do and where to go from here. We haven't told anyone aside from our therapists and marriage counselor. I haven't brought myself to leave, because then I am leaving all of the things I have worked hard for as well. I am very worried about our kids finding out and how this will affect them. I sleep in another bed and make sure to wake up before them so they don't see me in the spare bedroom. We still go to family functions together. I am not sure how long I can pretend we are still happily married. I am not sure if I can ever forgive and forget. So I am stuck here between not wanting to look or speak to her, but also being forced to so we can raise our kids, then we talk and fight after they go to sleep. As far as I can tell, they don't know what is going on. It's an incredibly depressing and confusing life we are living.

Right now, I feel nothing toward her but disappointment. I miss the life we had together but it was seemingly all a massive lie so it is difficult to look at her the same way.

I am curious how people with small children eventually decided to get a separation? How long did it take to decide? How is your relationship with your kids now? How hard was it on them to get a separation or divorce? What should I be doing now if I ultimately decide to get a divorce?

Thanks for reading. Sorry it is a long story. I am also sorry to everyone else going through this because it is awful and I have nothing but sympathy for you.

I am curious how people with small children eventually decided to get a separation? How long did it take to decide?

My xWW showed zero remorse for her affair, never apologized and blamed me entirely for it. Moreover she did not even try to end her affair (it fizzled out shortly after naturally). So divorce was a no-brainer. My son was 6 when we split. Kids are very perceptive, so staying a bad marriage will cause more harm to them than leaving and coparenting amicably if possible. Kids are also VERY resilient if both parents handle the divorce in a manner that puts the kids needs in the forefront.

How is your relationship with your kids now?

My son was in second grade when we divorced, now he's in junior high, has always scored straight As, won top awards, and I'm pretty sure will go to a top college. He is a sociable, conscientious and emotionally and physically healthy teen.

How hard was it on them to get a separation or divorce?

So for the last year of my marriage, I had a job where I had to travel a lot on business so he mostly saw me Fri-Sun. Since he was used to it, it was easier for him to adjust to my moving out of the family home.

What should I be doing now if I ultimately decide to get a divorce?

Talk to a divorce attorney and get your ducks in line.

I am so sorry you are in this position. I can’t imagine trying to process that long of a relationship and so many lies. My WH and i have been separated for 3 months. We kept our 4yo daughters schedule the same, he still came and dropped her to daycare and the spent his usual days off with her. For those 3 months she didnt notice too much. I explained to her that dad was living with grandma and he hurt my feelings and she didnt ask much else. During this time i was waiting to see if WH would do the work necessary for R, but more recently i saw he contacted AP again. I had said to him in a clear email that was my boundary and i wouldn’t be doing R if it happened. Since finding out, i have stopped all communication with WH and ask my mum and sister who i am very close with to communicate any needs of our daughter. I have also said he can see her once a week when my mum or sister can do change over. My daughter has noticed much more of a difference and she does say she wants dad to come home and she feels sad. It breaks my heart. I would do anything to give her a family. But i cant force him to change and i know i cannot live with him peacefully unless he did change. And being in a home of constant tension and arguing would be even worse. I make sure my daughter knows she can talk to me when she feels sad, i tell her i feel sad sometimes too but that we will be okay and its not her fault or mine. I explain that dad broke a promise to me. I reassure her that she is loved and safe. While she does still ask and is still adjusting, she has been pretty good. You can always as a psychologist for some advice on age appropriate explanations.

I didn't divorce, but my parents did when I was 12. My father was a serial cheater. They didn't fight in front of us, but I knew something wasn't right. I did over-hear a couple of arguments tho, and the tension in the house was palpable. You might not think so, but kids pick up on that stuff.

When my mother told my sister (1 year younger) and I they were splitting I think we both felt relief. I know I did. Speaking from my own personal experience it was not a devastating experience and I wasn't destroyed. I was glad to get out of a tense and uncomfortable situation.

A couple of caveats - my dad wasn't very involved and we went with my mother. He didn't put up much of a fight for us or anything, so the split was really not that big if a deal. Plus the thought of no longer working in the slaughterhouse my dad owned, which I hated doing at 12 years old, was actually quite a relief to me.

All this to say, depending on circumstances, not all kids are destroyed and devastated when their parents split up. Like I said, I was actually relieved to get out of the situation. It was better than living with the both of them with the underlying tension in the house.

Kids are tougher and more resilient than we sometimes give them credit for. I think an amicable split with loving, caring and responsible co parenting can be adjusted to pretty well over the long run. You might be surprised how your kids feel about it, and they just might be more privy to the arguments you guys have after bedtime than you think. I remember lying awake in bed listening to my parents after bedtime a couple of times.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. My wife's affair was very brief. It happened after 26 years of marriage and that was bad enough. I can only imagine discovering what you did and how that makes you feel man. Stick around and keep posting. There's a great group of folks here who understand what you're going through. Just typing it out and getting feedback from folks letting me know I'm not losing my mind was so helpful and invaluable. Ask whatever you want or just even vent if you need to. Welcome to the club no one volunteers to join.

Friend, so very sorry for this tragic reality shift for you. First, I highly recommend going to see a Betrayal Trauma Specialist. Normal counselors don't have the training to lead you through this life changing event. Look up Jake Porter on YouTube and listed to his content.

I hope you have contacted the spouse of AP. This is crucial to take back some agency and gain some control of what you can. Plus the other wife deserves to know.

This is a long journey. I will say the duration and details really do matter. Each detail about this shows something about your wife's character and there are wounds in your heart for each thing. Seek God for wisdom. Again, so sorry but we are here for you. 🙏

What a horrible situation you find yourself in. I'm so sorry you are dealing with such a deep deception. I'm sure you don't have the full story, adults who are deeply in love sending romantic messages don't "make out" when they find time together.

My kids were 4 and 7 when we separated. They are now 7 and 10. My older son had a difficult year following the separation, my daughter too, but in more subtle ways as a pre-k kid. They are both thriving now and have two happy healthy parents. I am in a relationship which models love and mutual respect for them.

I had the benefit of my ex wife not being interested in anything besides 50/50 custody, so our divorce was on the easier side from some horror stories you read about. At the time when I left, I was terrified of spending even one night apart from my children in the circumstances of separation. What I've found is that I truly value my time with them on my days and I equally value the time they spend with their mom, where I can focus on myself and my relationship with another single parent in the same boat (our every other weekends together are incredible).

What you are navigating is unbelievably jarring, confusing, and scary. It will become less so over time if you focus on yourself, healing and moving forward, however that looks for you. Good luck, you'll be ok.